With “loneliness epidemic” splashed across headlines and a steady stream of social media posts asking people how to find connection in the D.C. area, we decided to dive into a stubborn issue that many of us have struggled with.
How do you make friends as an adult?
It’s not an easy task, but know this: you are not alone. When we asked our viewers about finding new friends since the pandemic, nearly 40% said they’re looking but struggling.
We asked experts and neighbors who’ve built meaningful connections to share their best advice for finding friendship.
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Build yourself up
Marisa G. Franco, author of “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends,” shared some of her best advice for making new friends. Taking care of yourself is an important step.
It’s okay if you feel scared or afraid, Franco said.
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To combat nerves, remind yourself of your strengths. People will probably like you more than you think, she said.
“That’s all part of the process of connection,” she said.
It’s normal to feel some worry when branching out. Before you send that text message or head to an event, give yourself a pep talk to calm your nerves and boost your confidence.
“Take a moment before you’re about to go into an interaction,” Franco said.
Jessica Lewis, who founded PlayPlay DC, a community of LGBTQIA+ people who come together to find friends through play, says you can take inspiration from kids, who often seem to have an easier time making friends.
“What are they doing right? They are not in their head. They are being themselves,” Lewis said.
You can treat making friends like dating
We often feel that strong attraction to new friends (we like to call it a friend crush!).
“Romantic attraction can crop up without sexual attraction,” Franco said. “Romantic attraction as in, I’m thrilled by you, I’m excited by you. I’m passionate about you. I want to spend all my time with you!”
Many people compartmentalize friendships and relationships – but that could stop you from flexing social skills that are useful in both kinds of interactions.
So, why not think of making new friends like dating? You can get to know people and see who you click with.
Dr. Imani Cheers, an associate professor at George Washington University, shared a pro tip for a friendly pick-up line.
“Go in with a compliment,” Cheers said. “Just make sure it’s genuine. Be open to the person either saying thank you and walking away, or pause and have a conversation.”
And just like with dating, you can look for new friends online! Online friendships can be very meaningful, and there are a lot of active communities in D.C. Local Dischord servers, Reddit channels and Facebook groups like Welcome2DC can yield in-person meetups (take the same safety precations you would with an online date).
Rekindle relationships
Rekindling old friendships could be a good way to boost your social life.
“The first thing that I say is reconnect with people. Because those are people you already have trust with. The relationship will move a lot more quickly.”
Her “low-stakes baby step”?
Pick up your phone, go through your messages and see who you haven’t spoken to since this time last year.
“Say, ‘Oh, I was just thinking about you, just remembered this memory we had together and I wanted to check in,’” Franco said.
If they seem responsive, ask if they’re open to reconnecting sometime.
Worried you’ll come off as clingy or weird? According to Franco, the research suggests you won't – in fact, if things just fizzled out without a good reason, showing your interest will likely spark good feelings.
“The research finds there’s this theory called the theory of inferred attraction,” Franco said. “People like people that they think like them. The secret to being likable is to like people.”
Finding your tribe
Franco’s next piece of advice is to join a group that has repeated meetings. Regular encounters make finding your tribe easier.
“You capitalize on something called the mere exposure effect, our unconscious tendency to like people when they are familiar,” Franco said.
City Girls Who Walk DC is the kind of group that offers a step-by-step path to friendship. They host weekly walks, happy hours and events, and even have subgroups including book clubs and a grief group.
Do you like sports, gaming, music or animals? Here are some specific ideas:
- Club sports are a super popular option. District Fray, Team DC and your local department of parks and recreation all offer programs.
- Play Play DC “is committed to curating refreshing, creative, fun, healing, and playful experiences for grown and queer adults.” Events range from concerts to basketball tournaments.
- Sober or sober-curious? BoozeFreeinDC is a great resource. (By the way, we spoke to the group's founder Laura Silverman for Dry January).
- Volunteer at a local animal shelter or other nonprofit. The Animal Welfare League of Arlington is just one example.
- Hit up your local game store. Fantom Comics in Dupont hosts beginner-friendly events regularly. Labyrinth DC hosts general board game nights and events for more advanced players. Curio Cavern is another option.
- Try a book club! The D.C. Public Library has tons of options. Many bookstores offer them, as well.
- Meetup is THE website for finding activities with others who are open to friendships, whether you want to craft, find other couples, learn a language, drink coffee, talk a walk in the park…
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