Have you ever told your child not to cry or said, "Don't be sad"? It's a common instinct for loving parents who want their children to be happy. But the truth is, being happy 100% of the time is unrealistic for both adults and children. It's essential to teach kids how to navigate their full range of emotions.

As a child life specialist and therapist, I help families navigate some of life's greatest challenges, like a cancer diagnosis, a death, or a community tragedy. 

What I find is that most parents don't actually want their kids to not have emotions. They wish they could fix things for their kids but more than anything, they want their children to learn how to better express and manage their feelings — to become more emotionally intelligent.

Here's the secret to what parents can do to raise emotionally intelligent children, no matter what life throws at you.

Name and validate emotions

In order for kids to be emotionally intelligent, they have to understand what emotions are. Often, they learn this from trusted adults and caregivers.

Take a moment to consider how you express and manage reactions such as irritation and anxiety. Your example is important. The more you talk openly about feelings, including your own, the more natural such discussions will feel for the entire family.

Try using I-statements to model naming and expressing your own feelings:

I feel _______ (emotion) because _________ (cause) and I'm going to _________ (plan/solution/desired outcome).

So you might say: "I feel frustrated because there's traffic and we're running late. But it's most important that we get there safely."

You can start with very young kids using basic feelings like happy, sad, and mad, and even incorporate associations such as faces and colors. You might consider filling your child's book and toy shelves with visuals that demonstrate a range of emotions.

When kids are younger, you might be playing detective more often to try to understand the feeling or need behind their behavior. As they grow and learn from you, they'll start to use the words they've heard and practiced. Their emotional vocabulary will expand over time to incorporate more complex feelings such as frustrated, confused, embarrassed, and disappointed.

Keep in mind that validation doesn't necessarily mean agreement. Still, it helps kids feel seen and heard. If you're unsure where to begin, try repeating back exactly what you see or hear, like "You're upset because it's time to go home," or, "You're feeling nervous about going on the big slide."

Consider making it a habit to check in with how everyone in the family is feeling throughout the day and week. For younger kids, an emotion meter or chart can be a helpful visual and tactile tool.

Model and practice coping skills

Once kids have a basic understanding about emotions, they can begin to understand what to do with them. You can use I-statements to model for them what you're going to do with your own feelings.

You might say something like: "I feel overwhelmed, because I have a lot to do today, and I'm going to take a deep breath and organize my thoughts."

Normalizing feelings gives permission for healthy coping strategies. And kids will have an easier time using their skills if they're practiced regularly in the home. 

These strategies can be incorporated into daily life or through play. For example, kids can be taught deep breaths as young as one year old. 

Consider taking three deep breaths before bed, perhaps even placing a stuffed animal on your belly and giving it a ride to teach true "belly breathing." Outside of bedtime, you can use pinwheels, bubbles, expandable balls, and their imagination — suggest they pretend to blow out birthday candles. Many kids will learn the positive benefit breathing has on their nervous system without even talking about it.

Preschoolers may enjoy making a coping corner where they can physically go and use all of the tools and strategies that they've learned and developed. 

When they make a mistake, give them a chance to have a "do-over" that reminds them of the preferred way to manage their emotions. Try saying something like, "Oops, can you try saying that in a softer voice?" or "I see you're mad. Can you try closing the door in a gentler way?" 

This type of positive discipline and helping children "get it right" moves away from shame and guilt and toward feelings of positive self-worth and capability.

As kids get older, having high emotional intelligence will help them be their own greatest advocates. They'll be able to set boundaries for how they're treated and prioritize time to take care of themselves in a stressful and demanding world.

Take the long view

Nurturing your child's emotional intelligence isn't just about managing feelings today; it's about equipping them with the tools they need for a lifetime of healthy relationships and emotional well-being. 

By fostering a strong emotional vocabulary and normalizing coping skills, you lay the foundation for resilient, empathetic individuals who can thrive despite the complexities of life.

The process can feel overwhelming. Start small. Pick one of these strategies to start adding to your routine. Every effort is a step toward raising emotional intelligent children.

Kelsey Mora is Certified Child Life Specialist and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who provides custom support, guidance, and resources to parents, families, and communities impacted by medical conditions, trauma, grief, and everyday life stress. She is a private practice owner, mom of two, the creator and author of The Method Workbooks, and the Chief Clinical Officer of the nonprofit organization Pickles Group.

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