Nearly every parent will lose their temper with their kids at some point, which means a little bit of yelling might be inevitable.
That's even true for parenting experts like Becky Kennedy, a Columbia University-trained child psychologist and host of the parenting podcast "Good Inside." Kennedy, who has three children, admits that even she can get frustrated to the point of yelling at her kids — like when they delay getting dressed for school in the morning, making her late for work.
"We get to some crescendo moment where as a parent, [and] I have this too. I just yell and scream at my kid: 'What is wrong with you? You don't do anything [I ask]' ... or, 'You're so selfish. You're going to make me late. You turn me into a monster. Why can't you listen the first time?'" Kennedy told entrepreneur Tim Ferriss on an episode of his podcast, "The Tim Ferris Show," which aired this last month.
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Yelling from time to time can be understandable, Kennedy said, but those outbursts can have long-lasting negative effects. Young kids can mistake a momentary outburst from their parents as something more serious and permanent. And any shame and guilt parents feel after yelling can cause anxiety that leads to more outbursts in the future, psychologist Emily Edlynn wrote in Psychology Today last year.
That's why parents need to apologize quickly, and name the feelings that caused them to lose their temper, Kennedy said. She calls the process "repair," and it's meant to put a child's mind at ease — letting them know their parents still love them, even when they get angry — and model positive, responsible behaviors.
"I'm taking responsibility for my behavior," said Kennedy. "I'm giving my kid a story to understand what happened and I'm talking about what I would do differently the next time."
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How to 'repair' after yelling
Kennedy offered an example of what "repair" can look like: "Hey, I screamed at you earlier. That probably felt scary. [Also], It's never your fault when I yell and I'm working on staying calmer — so even when I'm frustrated, I can use a calmer voice. I'm sorry."
Telling your kids that your yelling is never their fault shouldn't absolve them from bad or disrespectful behavior, she said. Instead, it's a way to teach them that they're not responsible for someone else's actions, good or bad.
"When my kid doesn't listen and the morning is delayed, I feel frustrated," said Kennedy, adding: "Telling a kid, basically, 'You make me yell, you turn me into a monster,' is actually holding your kid responsible for your set of skills to manage your feelings."
Parents who find themselves prone to unexpected outbursts should work on recognizing what triggers their frustration, so they can step back and catch themselves before yelling, Kennedy recommended. You can even tell your child: "'Hey, I'm frustrated. I'm taking a breath, I'm taking a break. I'll be back,'" she said.
Managing your feelings in front of your children can be difficult — but taking more control over your feelings in frustrating situations is ultimately rewarding, Barnard College child psychologist Tovah Klein told CNBC Make It last year.
"I'm most proud of the moments that I could catch myself and [remember], 'You've got to be the adult in this room,' even when it was really hard to be," said Klein.
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