It's hard to stay calm and clear-headed when you're having an intense conversation with your partner about something sensitive.

But I've been a couples therapist for over 30 years, and I've found that the happiest couples who navigate arguments in a healthy way often offer reassuring phrases that soothe what might be hard to hear. It's like wrapping your words in a warm, cozy blanket.

It's not "fake fluff" as an excuse to sneak in harsh criticism. Reassuring statements are true and real and give your partner mercy and kindness at a difficult point in a conversation, or at a difficult time in their life.

Here are six things emotionally secure couples do differently:

1. They notice when they need to step away and cool off

Reassuring statements could sound like:

• "This isn't me pulling away from you, it's me pulling myself to my center."
• "I need to calm myself, so let's continue this conversation later."
• "I want both of us to feel heard and understood. Let's wait until we are not so reactive."

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2. They notice when one partner starts to feel worried

Reassuring statements could sound like:

• "I want you to know that we are okay."
• "I trust this is for our benefit, even though it's really hard right now."
• "I know we will grow stronger from this."

3. They notice when one partner is struggling with self-love

Reassuring statements could sound like:

• "You're such a special person to me."
• "Remember who you are."
• "I am proud of everything you are."

4. They notice when one partner feels betrayed

Reassuring statements could sound like:

• "I will make our relationship my top priority."
• "I am deeply sorry for hurting you."
• "I take full responsibility for my actions."

5. They are gentle with their feedback

Reassuring statements could sound like:

• "I'm bringing this up because I want to be closer."
• "You're amazing and so special to me, but there's this little thing."
• "I know you can do better with this. I believe in you wholeheartedly."

6. They notice when one partner is feeling bad about a mistake they made

Reassuring statements could sound like:

• "You are my person and I'm not going anywhere."
• "I know you had good intentions."
• "You are human and we are supposed to make mistakes."

Don't over-give or over-seek reassurance

Consider reflecting internally for the roots of why you feel there's a need for reassurance, or why you feel it's your job to make your partner feel whole and secure.

What feeling about yourself is this trying to protect you from? What are you afraid of if you don't get the reassurance or if you can't help your partner feel secure?

Ultimately, a person's growing ability to reassure themselves can be the most powerful endeavor, for their own well-being and for the soulful bonds we are born with a need to forge.

Rachel Glik is a licensed professional counselor with over 30 years as a couples and individual therapist. She has taught and created workshops for organizations such as: YPO, The Kabbalah Centre, Onevillage, University of Missouri and Psychotherapy Saint Louis. Rachel is also the author of "A Soulful Marriage: Healing Your Relationship With Responsibility, Growth, Priority, and Purpose."

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Excerpt reprinted with permission A Soulful Marriage ©2025 Morehouse Publishing, New York, NY 10016