Avoid using these 3 kinds of phrases if you want to raise confident kids, says educator and author

Oftentimes it's the well-meaning, seemingly neutral comments parents make that can fuel a child's insecurity. 

In her upcoming book "The Words That Shape Us," educator and consultant Lily Howard Scott wants to help curb some of those potentially harmful remarks, especially when it comes to communicating with young kids. 

"One misconception that I hear sometimes is [age] zero to five doesn't really matter — that kids really come online when they can talk to you in a fluent way," Scott, who was an elementary school teacher for 10 years, says. "What the research reveals is that really nothing could be further from the truth." 

A child might not respond like they've absorbed what you're saying, but they usually have, and tend to internalize those comments.

"The way we talk to young children becomes the way they talk to themselves," Scott says. 

To raise confident kids, here are three types of phrases Scott says to avoid. 

1. Comments that equate a child's character to their actions

"Avoid broad stroke language that connects the child's core self with their behavior," Scott says. 

For example, instead of telling your kid, "You're irresponsible" say "That was an irresponsible decision." 

This decouples their choice from their character and signals that even though they made a mistake they can learn to do better going forward. 

2. Praising a child for being just like you

It is understandable to be excited when your child takes up similar hobbies or shows similar aptitudes as you. However, it's best not to use language that "affirms children for how much they are like you," she says. 

Even a simple comment like "Oh, you're a math person just like me," can send the message that your love is conditional on them being an extension of you. It's better to celebrate their skills and interests without linking them to your own. 

3. Acknowledgements of success instead of work

"Avoid language that celebrates product over process," Scott says. 

Let's say your child got an A on their vocabulary quiz. You can praise the grade, but also be sure to mention the work. 

Saying something like "I'm so proud of all the studying you did" can show you not only value the outcome, but the effort.

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