Originally appeared on E! Online
The holidays are always a bittersweet time for Billie Lourd.
Nearly a decade after her mother Carrie Fisher passed away at 60, the "Scream Queens" star — who shares son Kingston, 4, and daughter Jackson, 2, with husband Austen Rydell — reflected on how she and her family cope each year as the anniversary of the "Star Wars" legend's death approaches.
"It has been 8 years since my mom died," Lourd wrote on Instagram Friday. "As my son would say 'that’s a lot!' I always dread this day. I spend so much time leading up to it thinking about how awful I’m going to feel. And my dread is usually right. I woke up this morning with a dark cloud over me. But when my kids woke up the dark cloud dissipated and made way for bright glowing sunshine."
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However, while the 32-year-old noted that her mom's "death anniversary is like an emotional tropical storm," Lourd added, "It pours rain a lot of the day, but between the storms the light is more beautiful than on any day without storm clouds. There are no rainbows without rain."
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But that doesn't mean Fisher's absence gets any easier with each passing year.
"There’s a great Anne Lamott quote, grief is 'like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp,'" Lourd continued her caption. "And that describes how I feel today perfectly. Yes the grief weather is cold and yes I may have a limp but I am absolutely dancing through life (oops I quoted wicked?). And I am actually a better dancer with my limp."
Plus, Lourd said she now takes nothing for granted.
"My grief has given me a deeper appreciation for all the little moments of life," she concluded. "So today I am griefful (griefy but grateful). I watch the magic that is my son and daughter and I know she is a piece of that magic. And I feel all the things. The grief. The joy. The longing. The magic. The emptiness. The fullness. And it all coexists in a profound way. Sending my love to everyone out there who needs it."
